7. A Past Unfortunate Meryl teetered on her stool with a temper bottled up like champagne: easily contained but once unleashed would explode with a chaotic furor. What she was really wishing for was a knockout, drag-out, table-smashing, bottle-hurling drunken melee; the kind that left serious property damage and added a slew of names to the banned patrons list. But by now Meryl knew better than to be the person to actually start a barroom brawl. Simply participating in an ongoing battle would ideally earn a night in the lockup, but actually starting such a fight could be solid grounds for sending her to prison for much longer. And with that kind of time to investigate and a rap sheet like Meryl’s, it seemed likely she’d never leave.
So the chief order of the evening was to get a few of her fellow patrons riled up enough to beat on each other a bit, and then, after the chaos was good and ensuing, Meryl would be clear to launch herself into the fray and thoroughly unwind. It was a victimless crime in Meryl’s estimation as the type of person who would come to a dive like this would be just the type to enjoy a good alcohol laden melee.
The bar was currently teeming with sailors, most of their pockets lined from their work on King Gaius’s last expedition and their bellies overfilled with cheap ale. There were also a few scattered merchants and farmers about, but fortuitously there appeared to be no off duty guards or slumming royal types ruining the otherwise good prospects present in the bar that night. Meryl began to comb the bar for a punter who looked drunk enough to put his fist through someone’s face at the first insult and another drunk stupid enough to insult him.
She found her first mark nursing an oversized stein of something thick and viscous and an oddly off-putting shade of brown. The drunk was a massive barrel-chested thing, with long brown hair escaping wildly from beneath his raggedy stitched leather cap and a matching beard erupting from his face; a thoroughly tanned puggish face that was crisscrossed from crown to chin with cuts of various ages. The men was holding his mug in one hand and his head in the other - lest he topple sideways from his stool and smash open his head, or even worse: spill his drink. The man was clearly a sailor of some sort as he was still decked in salt stained seafaring garb and heavy leather boots, and Meryl decided he was the type of hardened salty dog who would likely have no problems caving in a few faces.
Due to his long hair and massive beard, Meryl decided that she would call him Hairy.
The second man in Meryl’s devious scheme was similar to the first, sans the hair and a large number of his teeth. At some point in the night, he seemed to have lost his shirt, revealing a wide tanned chest densely packed with tattoos and scars. Given the absurd number and size of his scars, Meryl figured that he must be some sort of professional fighter or mercenary – the kind of guy who gets cut up for a living. Mark number two was currently caressing a glass empty of liquor and Meryl knew he would soon be stumbling to the bar for a refill.
Due to his shaved head, Meryl decided to call him Baldy.
It was worth noting that Meryl was pretty drunk at the time – under normal circumstances she would have come up with a nickname that was at least marginally less stupid.
Meryl moved herself into position, resting against a wooden pillar behind the bearded sailor. She gripped her tankard in one hand and shoved her other into her well-worn blue long coat, trying her very best to look nonchalant. She sipped from her brew overly casually while watching Baldy slowly stagger his way up to the bar, bouncing this way and that off the backs of other patrons like a poorly shot billiards ball. As Baldy drew up behind the sailor, Meryl gave him a clandestine boot to the shin which sent him toppling forward into Hairy. At the same time, she splashed her ale all over Hairy’s back, soaking his jerkin and overcoat.
“Aye! What the hell ‘as that mate!? I’ll have ye know this is me best jerkin!” Hairy screamed, toppling his stool over backwards as he blasted to his feet. He whipped around and snarled, showing a face full of rotten teeth. He towered over Baldy, swaying heavily, but he was doing his damned best to remain upright. “You’re a dead man,” he growled.
“If you want yer innards to stay on the inside, I’d move on lad,” Baldy snarled. What he lacked in height in made up for with pure thickness of muscle. He thrust his burly arm out, grabbing Hairy’s now soaking collar and readying his other arm for what was sure to be a devastating blow.
The bearded man scowled and pulled back his arm as if to return the favor, but he hesitated there a moment, leaving his arm dangling awkwardly hanging in an awkward sort of half-punch state. His scowl transformed into a pensive frown, and slowly the half-punch became no punch as he lowered his arm. “L-look. Maybe…Well maybe I overreacted a bit. S’just a wet jerkin, right?”
“Yeah, I, uh, suppose yer right. What are we doing here, bout to throw punches over a spilled drink? We must look a right couple of assholes. I’m sorry, I dunno what’s got into me. My mistake lad, my mistake,” the tattooed thug said, releasing Hairy’s collar and offering him a rag to dry himself.
“No, no, it’s alright mate, it’s alright,” Hairy said, wiping the front of his coat with the rag. “I shouldn’ta reacted the way I did. I work down at the docks an’ I been puttin’ in real long hours and me overseer’s been a real arsehole lately and it’s done put me in a right foul mood. Not your fault, friend. Sorry I screamed at ye.”
“It’s ok, I know how it goes. Really I do. I apprentice for Hal Ragston at the smithy, guy’s been working me near to death lately. Hell, I gotta come down to this pub most every night just to blow off some steam. By the way, I can get me wife to clean up yer jerkin for ya, if ya wanna come by me place later.”
“Hell, I’d love that! Name’s Harry, put ‘er there mate!” he said, thrusting out his hand.
“No shit,” Meryl said under her breath, her jaw dropping.
“Glad to hear it! Me name’s Baldwin, pleasure to meet ya!” he replied, grasping Harry’s hand in his and giving it an overly vigorous shake.
Meryl wanted to think that if she were a bit more sober, she would have at least dubbed him Baldwin instead of her now lame-seeming Baldy.
“I foresee a great friendship in our future lad!” Baldwin said, grinning from ear to ear.
“Seriously? Are you guys kidding me?” Meryl asked. The two men turned and looked at her inquisitively. “By Saxum, you boys are ninnies.”
“Lass, if we wanted some wench mucking up our conversation, we’d ‘ave summoned the bar wench. Best get gone if ya know what’s good for you,” Baldy said.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard him, this here’s man business, we don’t need no bitches meddlin’ in our talks,” Hairy added.
“Mistake,” Meryl stated, punching the bearded prig square in the jaw. Blood sprayed from his mouth in a sanguine arc and he toppled backwards onto the beer sodden floor.
“Ha! Are you fer real girly?” Baldwin asked.
Meryl gave her reply in the form of turning and pummeling him in the nose with the flat of her palm. He reeled backwards, his eyes clamped shut in surprise as bright red began to leak from his nose. It was probably broken but it was too swollen to tell at the moment. Nursing his enflamed snout, he quickly regained his composure and picked up a nearby stool, hurling it at full strength directly at Meryl’s head. She nimbly ducked underneath it and the stool exploded into the back of some unsuspecting patron behind her, breaking apart with a deafening crack.
The stool’s unintended victim was a massive man who shrugged off the blow and lumbered to his feet, turning around with a deadly grimace carved upon his equally deadly looking his face. His frown was as sharp as a sickle and his brow had passed the point where it could be called furrowed; it had been driven into some further angry state that Meryl didn’t have a definition for. By the sheer severity of his form, this new contender looked to be ready to murder the man who had murdered his buzz. She looked the man in his eyes and saw an intense fire raging in his black eyes, the kind of fire one uses to commit arson. She saw this, and then motioned him towards Baldwin.
The stooled man screamed and sprinted towards his accidental assaulter, his long leather coat billowing behind him in an altogether dramatic fashion as he weaved in between other patrons. For a man of his tremendous size, he was surprisingly nimble. The man inserted his fist solidly into Baldwin’s unsuspecting gut and the terrible blow elicited a sound that was somewhere between a scream and a whimper. Baldwin doubled over in pain, clenching his teeth and grasping his now bruised abdomen.
This gave his attacker the chance to spin off his long leather coat and throw it over Baldwin’s head. He whirled Baldwin around so that Baldwin was facing away from him, and then kicked him headlong into a table full of sloppy drunk sailors. The table collapsed in a cacophony of splintering wood and bone as Baldwin toppled through it, sending mugs full of booze flying into the air and the swill the Sowing Sow dared to call ale went sloshing all over the floor.
The sailors, as it turned out, were not happy about the new placement of their beer onto the floor.
While it hadn’t started exactly as she had anticipated, Meryl had gotten her desired result: the bar was pure bedlam and she was out brawling in the middle of it. Sailors were smashing stools over farmer’s heads, merchants were climbing atop the bar to hurl bottles at travelers, and the barkeep was standing atop a table in the corner brandishing a knife in each hand and screaming obscenities. For her part, Meryl was in the thick of it, throwing punches at random drunkards while dodging hurled bottles and flying bodies. While the bar’s denizens were a scary looking lot, Meryl was pretty sure that she’d been in more fights than the rest of them combined – and she was probably right. As a result, she was doing far more hitting than being hit and after ten minutes of fighting she was looking little worse for wear.
Her long red braid was a blur behind her as she ducked under flying stools, rolled over fallen fighters, and injured as large a number of drunken people as she possibly could. Over the course of the night, that number grew to be a very large one indeed. Meryl bobbed and weaved through the crowd, throwing out jabs, uppercuts, crosses, and some questionable below-the-belt type hits seemingly at random. Meryl was trained by a boxer who was drunk all the time, but her style was much closer to traditional boxing than drunken boxing – though with a healthy dash of dirty street fighting mixed in for flavor.
Meryl was certainly keen to blow off some steam – her last job with Gig had gone horribly wrong and they had wasted weeks casing, bribing guards, and perfecting disguises only to walk away with nothing. All she had to show for it was a tattered blue dress back in her bunk, some jars of makeup she’d never use, and a month’s worth of weeks she could have spent stealing and weekends she could have spent drinking and fighting and stealing some more.
Meryl was in the midst of some much needed de-stressing when she saw a rotund merchant oddly squatting over in the corner. The man was darkly tanned and was bedecked in a very nice looking purple and gold striped silk shirt, a heavy purple silk coat with a gold silk shawl draped over it, some baggy gold silk pants, purple silk boots, and a, what Meryl was guessing was silk, purple hat. The very snappily dressed man was squatting so oddly because beneath him was unconscious sailor and he was picking his pockets. This was not at all in keeping with bar fight decorum in Meryl’s opinion, so she dropped what she was doing (which was hitting some farmer repeatedly in his face) and charged at the merchant. On the approach she cocked her fist back to ready a knockout blow.
As with many things in life, Monty’s jaw just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. The consequences of this at this exact moment were that his jaw forcibly met Meryl’s fist, even though the punch was actually meant for a squat, thieving merchant crouching before Monty. That far, far luckier man had slipped while picking some guy’s pocket, narrowly missing having his already unhandsome face made even unhandsomer. This left Monty’s poor, unlucky jaw open to receive a devastating blow that dismantled it almost entirely.
In their many training sessions together, Sir Larien had drilled it into Meryl that in all facets of life the most important thing was to ‘Always follow through’. That particular advice had always stuck with Meryl and had come in great handy in many facets of her life. In particular, following through on a punch had helped her tremendously in the hundreds of fistfights she’d been in since her days as a page. But right now that advice only served to make sure Monty’s jaw would probably never look quite right again.
“What the hell? I wasn’t even fighting,” Monty attempted to articulate through his thoroughly broken mandible. What came out was more of a “Wharshthafrell? Urwarshtanteburnfurgtig,”which Meryl found she could make no sense of.
What did make sense to Meryl, however, was that she better get the hell out of the Sowing Sow. And then the sailors’ district. And then, for good measure, Ironsson altogether. Meryl was slowly coming to realize, even through his disfigured jaw, that the person she had just accidentally assaulted was none other than Monty Carlyle. This was an unfortunate turn for Meryl as Monty Carlyle wasn’t a sailor like many of the other patrons of the Sowing Sow. Nor was he a farmer or a merchant. Monty Carlyle was the one and only son of Duke Arthur Carlyle. And while punching a duke’s son is almost always a bad move, punching the son of the duke of the town you’re currently hiding out after your last failed heist is universally a worse one.
Unfortunately for Meryl, this was the very blunder that she had just committed and she realized now that it was time she made her grand escape. Meryl pushed Monty to the ground and turned to run, plowing through drunken brawlers and ignoring Monty’s incomprehensible screaming as she made a mad rush to the door. Meryl reached the decaying wooded door and wrapped her hand around the dangling iron handle, grasping the heavy ring and pulling with all her strength.
As the door began to pull open, she felt a heavy hand land on her shoulder and begin to tighten like an overly ambitious nutcracker. The hand spun her around and revealed its owner to be none other than a smoldering Baldy, though by now he was looking much, much worse for wear. While he wasn’t exactly awash with teeth before, Meryl saw that he was now left with a singular incisor hanging from the top of his bloodied mouth. His right hand was a crumpled mess that looked like a steak that had very recently been tenderized.
“Lass, in all thith fightin’ I dun loth most o’ me teeth and broke me hand. Moreover, it dun killed me fuckin’ buzz! I intend to make you pay for that cheap thot earlier.”
“With your hand like that, I don’t see how you’re gonna make me pay for anything. Look, for reasons I’d rather not get into, I gotta go. Escape. Abscond. Get out of this location, is what I’m saying. So if you’ll just move out of the way, I’ll let this slide.”
“Let it thlide!? Bitch, I will wuin you,” he said, doing his very best to be intimidating through a toothless scowl.
“And how are you plannin’ on going about that? Baldy, it looks like you been on the losin’ end of every single fight in this bar. Do ya have some kinda plan, hrm? Figurin’ I won’t fight back? Are there any thoughts at all knocking around in that thick skull of yours?”
There were a few choice thoughts flitting around in Baldy’s thick skull as he slammed it into the bridge of Meryl’s nose, forcing her to her knees and causing a rill of blood to leak from it. His good hand remained on her shoulder, pressing her onto the splintery wooden boards that passed for a floor in the Sowing Sow. Wooden slivers dug into her hands as she tried to force herself up, but Baldy kept her forced to the ground. The splinters were tearing up Meryl’s cloth trousers, piercing through them as if their sole purpose was to slice open her shins. Baldy drew back his knee and slammed her hard in the chest as she tried to stand.
Baldy went to knee her again but this time Meryl was ready for it. She spun to the right and jammed her now splintery palm up into his crotch. His brown cloth pants began to seep red as he wordlessly worked his mouth. It was difficult to tell what Baldy was trying to say as all that was escaping was a high pitched sort of muttering, but Meryl didn’t care. What she cared about was that his hand released her shoulder and he stumbled backwards, sitting spread eagle on the ground and grabbing his eviscerated manhood with both hands. Big, beady tears poured from his eyes and his face scrunched up in shock. Meryl climbed to her feet, picking out a few of the biggest remaining splinters from hands as she stood over Baldy.
“You’re lucky I have to go,” Meryl said, turning towards the door and grasping the iron handle once again.
“Well, not that lucky,” she said, turning and punching him in the mouth. As Baldy collapsed on his back, Meryl reached for the iron ring for the third time only to find that the front door was already opening. The shabby door swung open and three Ironsson guards stood menacingly in the doorway, the cool night air rushing in from behind them. The two short squat men stood in the back, clad each in a full set of heavy steel armor, replete with intimidating bascinets that ensconced their entire faces in shadow. They both stood at relative ease, their shoulders back and their hands resting on the longswords dangling from their belts.
Continued in next post....